Aftermath
by oliviatennant
Summary: Barba and Olivia try to deal with their emotions in the aftermath of the courtroom shooting.
1. Chapter 1

**He finds himself on her doorstep just before 10pm** , Judge Barth's blood still smeared on his shirt sleeves. _When he'd gotten to the hospital with everyone else, he'd decided to stay with the judge until her husband arrived. By the time he'd gotten down to check on Amaro and the others- Liv had gone. He's not even sure why he's here. He just needs to see her._

He contemplates whether to knock a second time. There's a shuffling on the other side of the door before the dead bolt clicks open. Olivia pulls the door open- surprised. She too, is still in her blood stained courtroom attire- cradling a sleeping Noah. "Barba?"

He feels overwhelming relief at the sight of her. _He'd known she was alright- but when he'd last seen her they'd both been on adrenaline fueled autopilot. He couldn't explain it but he needed confirmation._

His jaw tenses in an attempt to keep tears from forming in his eyes. He bites his bottom lip before managing a quiet, "Hey." Finally, his eyes are drawn away from hers to the sleeping child she's holding. _He knows the feeling- that desperate need to hold someone you love close. Embarrassment creeps up that he's intruded._ He gestures to the toddler. "Sorry, I just-"

She furrows her brow, concerned, "Hey, you OK?"

He can't help the pained expression that comes over his face- he tightens his lips, determined not to allow the tears pricking his eyes to fall. A nearly convulsive shake of his head is his only response. He takes in a breath- trying to reign in his emotions.

Olivia steps to the side, "Let me just put him down."

Barba shakes his head and puts out a hand to stop her, "No, it's OK." He lets out a breath, steadying himself. "I just wanted to know you were alright. I need to go home and have a drink."

Olivia's not taking no for an answer- _she needs him here. His presence has a way of making her feel safe that she can't explain._ "Barba, please. I could use a drink myself. Stay?"

He meets her eyes momentarily before stepping inside. Barba closes the door behind them- latching the deadbolt before turning back to her.

"I'll be right back."

"Wine?" he inquires.

She shakes her head, "Whatever you want." _She needs something stronger- and she knows he does to._ She retreats to Noah's bedroom as Barba pulls out a bottle of scotch that she keeps for their late night case reviews.

 **On her return** , Olivia finds Barba standing at the kitchen counter- staring into his glass of scotch. She comes to stand beside him- one hip against the counter as she takes the glass he'd poured for her.

He keeps his eyes on his glass, "When he shot that Uni- I thought-" _He'd thought it was going to be her._ He can't even say it – his tears finally fall- choking off anymore of the sentence. Hoping she's understood what he hasn't said- he glances up to her, only to find tears streaming down her face as well.

Without a second thought, he sets his drink down and envelops her in a hug. _It wasn't something they did but right now he just needs to hold her._ He buries his head in the crook of her neck as her arms wrap around him.

"I know" she says quietly, through her tears, "When the Judge was shot, I thought he was shooting at you. I was relieved when it was her- relieved! What kind of a terrible person am I?"

Barba squeezes her tightly, as both of them cry, "Liv, it's OK. She's OK."

"But that bailiff's not! And Nick. God, I should have let you make the deal."

Barba pushes back away from her, holding her shoulders so he can look her in the eye. "Stop- this is not on you. This is on him. OK?"

He searches her eyes for confirmation as one of his hands finds the side of her face. She nods- returning his intense gaze. Suddenly, she finds herself leaning into him. Their lips meet in a soft, reverent kiss. Slow and disbelieving at first, it quickly intensifies when Barba pulls her closer- deepening the kiss. They stand- tangled up in each other- pouring all the emotion of the day into the passion of their first kiss.

It isn't until another part of his body responds that Barba really thinks about what they're doing. He breaks of the kiss- still holding her to him- his forehead on hers. "We can't do this" he rasps. Olivia closes her eyes and sighs in disappointment but nods, _she knows._ "It's not that I don't want to- it's just-"

She pulls away from him and returns her attention to her drink on the counter. "We work together. I know." She meets his eyes with a sad but reassuring smile.

 _They're lying to themselves. Had been for a while. They both know that as long as they disclose- they'd most likely be allowed to stay put. It wasn't as if one of them oversaw the other. But he's not about to lose his best friend, possibly the best thing that's ever happened to him, for comfort sex. Suppressing feelings for her had become so second nature that he's not even sure how he feels. Sure- he cares for her and he's definitely attracted to her but was this lust, a crush, love? Was it just the culmination of two attractive people working together and going through a series of emotionally charged situations? She deserves better._

"I'm sorry" he says, as he runs a hand up her back. She nods. "I'll go." She nods again- sipping her drink. He leans in to press one last kiss to the side of her head before retreating through the door.

Liv stands quietly at the counter, sipping her drink. _He was right, they shouldn't do this. But after today- she'd do anything to feel him. To hold him. To really feel that he was alive. She wasn't sure how- but he'd become someone she cared for- maybe more than anyone, aside from Noah. She trusted him and respected him in ways she never had anyone else. She tells herself she'd rather have him in her life in that way than risk not having him at all._

She flips off the kitchen light- sets her glass in the sink and heads for the shower.

 **After exiting his taxi,** Barba decides to stop into his corner bodega for a bottle of bourbon. Tonight was a bourbon night. At the register, Rita Calhoun comes up behind him with groceries of her own.

 _It's times like this that he hates living in this neighborhood. Tonight of all nights, he did not want to run into anyone, especially after the episode in Olivia's apartment._

"Barba, I heard what happened at the courthouse, are you alright?" Her genuine concern softens his demeanor a bit.

"I'm fine. Amaro won't be for a while though."

Rita gestures to the bottle, "Drinking alone is never a good sign, Counselor."

"Well you're welcome to come with me if you think it'll make this more socially acceptable but I don't really care at this point."

Rita considers him for a moment. _She really is concerned about him. They'd known each other a long time- and she knows him well enough to know that he could probably use someone to talk to right about now. He didn't have many people he could talk to._

"What are you going to do if I take you up on that offer?"

Barba looks at her- a bit surprised. He really hadn't expected she would. _He really just wanted to go home and drink himself to sleep._

"Fine" he shrugs "But I'm not talking about today."

Rita nods knowingly as she takes her receipt and follows him out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

***Alright guys- sorry for the long wait. I had a death in the family and have been back East dealing with that. But here it is- Ch. 2. Hoping to update more this week. Hope you like it** *****

 **Rita throws her head back** in ecstasy as she rides out her orgasm. Barba makes a final few thrusts up into her before following her over the edge. She leans forward onto his shoulder and for a moment, he enjoys the warm intimacy that comes with it. It's very brief, however, before Rita climbs off his lap and stands beside the couch- readjusting her skirt.

"I'd forgotten how good this is with you" He barely hears her over his heartbeat swishing in his ears. Rita grins down at him before retreating to his guest bathroom to clean herself up.

Barba leans his head on the back of the couch, catching his breath. He sits back up- removes the condom and zips up before walking into the kitchen to dispose of it. He pours more whisky into his glass and reclaims his spot on the couch.

 _He's slightly embarrassed- they'd barely made it through their first drinks before he made his move. He couldn't even blame it on being drunk. He had just desperately needed to feel something, someone- Rita seemed to sense that. She went along._

"Thanks for the drink, Rafael" Rita says, pulling on her shoes.

He stands as she pulls on her jacket. "You could stay." _Internally, he curses the slight hopefulness in his voice._

"Don't start, Barba. We've been down this rabbit hole before."

He nods. He's not going to push it.

 _They had indeed been down this rabbit hole. Just after they'd graduated Harvard- they'd both gotten hired on at the same firm._

 _After Yelena, Barba had fallen for a guy in undergrad who had also broken his heart. A long dryspell in law school had led him to the conclusion that the heart fluttering, stomach turning love that everyone writes about only existed for 19 year olds. It wasn't real. He decided that when people chose life partners- they were choosing just that- a partner, as if it were a business. It seemed to him that those were the marriages that worked. Afterall, his mother once told him she loved his father and look how that turned out._

 _He'd dated Rita because he thought he'd found just that- an effective life partner. She was intelligent, attractive, the sex was good- they both valued similar things- what more could they need. He'd even proposed- a little over a year into dating her- but she'd turned him down. She it seemed- still did believe in the whole love thing- and she knew he didn't feel that for her._

 _Rita's not sure she would make the same decision today. But in the end, even if she would be comfortable- he wouldn't. As much as Rafael Barba liked to portray the hard exterior- he was one of the most sensitive people she knew. He'd never survive a loveless marriage._

 _She almost felt sorry for him. He'd built a nearly indestructible cage around himself without even realizing it._

She crosses the room and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. "As nice as this was- I'm here if you ever actually need to talk."

He returns a tight smile and nod before walking her to the door and bidding her goodnight.

He takes a seat back on the couch and returns to his bourbon. He pulls out his phone and pulls up an ongoing text with Olivia- contemplates what to write.

 _That heart fluttering feeling that he was so determined didn't exist- he'd felt it tonight for the first time in nearly 20 years. It scared the hell out of him. That feeling had ruined every great friendship he'd ever had. He was determined not to let it get the best of him. This was one friendship he didn't think he'd survive losing._

He closes the text and slides his phone back onto the coffee table. Nothing he can think to write will make what happened tonight better. He'd just have to hope that they could both be adults about it in the morning.

He pours himself another drink and slinks back to his bed. He strips down to his boxers and flips on the TV.

 _He wishes Rita would have just married him 15 years ago. All these little complications that have seeped into his life over the past 4 years would be nullified._

 _He realizes, unceremoniously, that his little romp with Rita tonight was the first time he'd been intimate with anyone in over 3 years. The woman he'd been dating when he transferred in from Brooklyn decided she'd had enough right around the time of the William Lewis ordeal. She'd known he was a work-a-holic but since meeting Olivia Benson he'd started to take cases that consumed every waking moment. When she found out he'd cut their afternoon of yachting short for a streaker- she couldn't take anymore._

 _He hadn't exactly been heart broken- sure she was another good candidate for "life-partner" but most of their conversations seemed to revolve around high-end vacations and 5_ _th_ _Avenue gossip- he was bored._

 _He'd tried one last time- a friend had set him up with a woman just before the Lewis trial- telling him he "needed to relax and get out a little before he gave himself a heart attack"._

 _She'd invited him up to her place. He'd been into it until her top came off- suddenly all he could see were evidence photos. Burns and cuts all along Olivia's torso. He'd instantly gone soft- nearly pushing the poor girl to the ground to get some distance. Barba'd managed a hasty, but sincere, apology before retreating through the door. He'd somehow waited to get sick until he'd made it half a block down her sidewalk._

 _He'd briefly considered a shrink immediately after but he mostly threw himself into getting Lewis- and every perp that came after him. With time- as he saw Liv was OK- he was too. He was eventually able to think about sex without the photos of their latest victim flashing before his eyes._

 _In a way- tonight, with Rita- had been a victory._

He shakes his head at his ridiculous attempt to justify what had been no more than his desperate need for comfort.

After one more refill- he's finally had enough bourbon to shut down his whirlwind of thoughts. He falls into a fitful sleep- waking nearly every hour from some nightmare or another.

At 6am, he finally gives up and makes his way to the shower. This would be a long couple weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

**Liv didn't fair much better** with sleeping. She lay awake for several hours trying to parse together what exactly had just happened.

 _She'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought of Barba that way. It had been part of her reason to break it off with Cassidy. Not that she had planned on pursuing Barba but her feelings for him made her realize Cassidy just wasn't the one._

 _The spark with Barba had been almost instantaneous. But she hadn't dared give it much thought. She'd been down this road before._

 _He was her partner, her best friend- the things you're supposed to look for in someone you want to be with. But Elliot had been, too- and they'd loved each other. That said, even without Kathy in the picture, she's not sure it would've worked. She had, in some ways, put her life on hold waiting for something she could never have without even realizing it. She certainly didn't want to do that again._

 _She certainly cared for Barba, she found him attractive- if he were any other person she'd pursue this. But then there were so many new things to think about. Noah, for one. Chances were Barba wouldn't want kids around. Or worse, Noah wouldn't take to him. Noah came first. And then that kiss tonight. She couldn't remember for the life of her who initiated it. But she knew who ended it. That was it- he clearly didn't want to pursue this. But it had been like they were both on fire while it was happening._

 _His reciprocation was proof that he felt similarly at the very least. Pursuing this could permanently end her closest friendship if it didn't work. But at this point there was nothing to make work._

 _The same thoughts rolled around in her head for hours. She finally decided there was nothing to decide. She'd just have to see how things played out. They certainly weren't going to pursue it right now. If they did there would be a great deal to figure out- they'd have to take it slowly._

 _She ended her thoughts right there- she was already going into planning mode- she needed to stop. For now- their friendship needed to be enough. If he wanted more- he'd come to her._

 **By 7:00 am, Noah** is wide awake. It's Saturday- but after the ordeal in the courthouse, she and her detectives would be taking the day off anyway. Olivia revels in the fact that she and Noah actually have time to cook breakfast and have a lazy morning.

After pancakes, Liv bundles Noah into the stroller and heads for the park. As she steps out onto the sidewalk she decides to call Barba. He was clearly shaken last night and she figures it won't hurt to check on him.

She nearly laughs when he answers with a semi-panicked, "Hey, you OK?" as opposed to his usually curt, "Barba." But then she feels bad that he's obviously still a bit shaken.

"I was actually calling to ask you the same thing."

He gives her a breathy laugh before responding, "Yeah. Couldn't sleep but that's not new—Shit! Sorry, I just spilled coffee all over the Brennan file-"

"You're at the office? "

"Yeah" he replies, matter-of-factly.

"Barba, it's Saturday. And dare I mention you almost got shot yesterday?"

"Liv, this is my favorite day at the office. No one, not even Johnny D, is taking that away from me. No one is here. No one bothers me. Just me- and my case files."

She can help the grin creeping across her face. _She's happy that the little incident in her kitchen last night hasn't seemed to stifle their friendship._

"Alright, well, sorry to interrupt your day of peace. Just wanted to check on you."

She can hear the smile in his voice. "Thanks, Lieutenant."

"Oh hey, one more thing."

Barba cringes. _Oh God, here it is. She wants to talk about it._

"Noah's adoption will be finalized this week. I was thinking of having a little thing Saturday afternoon to celebrate. Just us and the squad really. If you'd like to drop by."

 _Barba's a bit surprised, he's usually not invited to the squad get togethers beyond drinks after a case. He'd really only spent non-work related time with Liv. But he finds that he definitely wants to be there._

"Absolutely."

"Alright, I'll text you the time. See you Monday, Barba."

"See you then."

 **Barba is the first to arrive** , which he hates- but no matter how hard he tries, being "fashionably late" is beyond him.

He hands Liv the bottle of wine he'd picked out for her and then holds up a small gift that's clearly for Noah- who's playing quietly with his blocks.

Liv motions over to the toddler. "You can give it to him." She chuckles at Barba's skeptical look. "He doesn't bite, Barba."

 _Liv's always wondered at how Barba seems almost scared of Noah. He always did perfectly fine with their child victims. He was no Carisi but he certainly put them at ease. Unlike adults, kids could instantly see past Barba's tough exterior to the inner good guy. But he'd always acted as if Noah were a ticking time bomb. He and Noah mostly saw each other when Lucy brought Noah into the office- and Barba had always kept his distance._

 _And then there was the time she'd asked Barba to hold him. Even Barba knew that had been a disaster._

She watches as Barba approaches Noah and squats down to get on his level- still unsure. "Hey, Noah."

"Noah, Mr. Rafael brought you something."

Noah's face brightens as he looks up to Barba's, "Raf!"

But Noah's smile immediately turns to concern. He stands and makes his way over to Barba- seemingly inspecting him. Barba stays completely still- not sure what to expect. The toddler's hands go to one of Barba's lapels and pulls it back- looking underneath. Still puzzled he reaches for the collar of his shirt looking into it.

Olivia lets out a laugh when she realizes what he's doing. Barba turns to her for enlightenment.

"He's looking for your suspenders and tie."

"No." Barba replies but his eyes shift back to the toddler and he realizes that's exactly what he's doing. _Clever thing._ "I didn't even realize he knew who I was. That's some memory."

Olivia nods. "No kidding. Getting him to talk has been like pulling teeth but he remembers things and sees patterns that I don't even pick up on."

Barba smiles at Noah- moving to sit crosslegged in front of him, "Sorry, no tie today, amigo. But I brought this."

He holds up the gift and Noah's smile immediately returns. Noah quickly tears the paper off to reveal "El Gallo de Bodas"- A Spanish language children's book. Noah, excited, immediately flips it open and starts looking at the pictures.

Barba glances over to Liv, unsure, "I overheard you tell Amaro that you wanted to start teaching him Spanish, I thought-"

"It's perfect." _Liv's blown away at how thoughtful the gift is._

Barba's attention is drawn back from her to Noah- who is now crawling into his lap. Barba's frozen between panic and relief that Noah seems to be comfortable around him.

"Looks like he want's you to read it. McCallens?"

Barba nods- still slightly unsure as he takes the book from Noah to start reading. Olivia retreats to the kitchen to pour him a much needed drink and uncork the wine. She also hopes a little space will help Barba relax.

She's right. As she pretends to busy herself with last minute prep in the kitchen, Barba brings the characters to life in the next room. Two pages in and he's 5 again- remembering his Abeula reading it to him. He gives the characters voices- just as she did. Noah is entranced- even though he doesn't understand the language.

Every once in a while Olivia steals a glance from the kitchen- she'd never seen this side of Barba. She likes it.

Just as the book is ending Carisi joins the party. Noah hops up from Barba's lap when he see's Carisi also has a gift for him. Barba stands and shakes hands with Carisi as Noah tears into the new gift. A truck. Barba gives a tight lipped smile as Carisi takes his place on the floor to play with Noah's trucks.

Barba makes his way over to where Liv now stands at the counter- holding his drink out to him. "Looks like the book was a hit."

Barba sips his scotch and watches Carisi and Noah play, "Yeah, the truck's better."

Liv smirks, he seems genuinely disappointed himself. She bumps his shoulder with hers. "Well you won over him and his mom with the book".

He chuckles and meets her eyes. He can feel the spark from last night pass between them. _God, please, no, not her._

She feels it too. She returns his smile before quickly averting her gaze. A few moments later- Lucy knocks, saving them. Quickly followed by Fin.

 **Barba stays as long as he can** but ensures he's not the last to leave. _He needs to get himself under control before he can trust himself in a room with Liv alone again._

As he walks out just after Fin- Noah comes running up to grab his leg. Barba stoops down once more and Noah throws his arms around Barba, whispering, "Tanks, Raf." Barba hugs him back awkwardly but can't help the huge smile on his face.

He stands back up and gives Olivia a nod. "Thanks, Liv."

He leaves more confused now than ever.


	4. Chapter 4

**Barba finds himself in** Rita's kitchen this time- indulging in what has become a very bad habit at this point. They never seemed to make it to the bed. Beds implied a certain intimacy that had never really existed between them. Performing this intimate act standing against a kitchen counter drew a clear line- This was little more than stress relief. God knows he needed it.

 _He'd started having panic attacks- a side effect of the courtroom shooting- if he had to guess. He'd had one right in the middle of the squad room just weeks ago- when Rudnick had taken flight. Liv's hand on his arm seemed to be the only thing to ground him- reminding him to breathe._

 _But more often- the panic attacks seemed to come out of nowhere. His chest tight, his mouth dry- the sudden inability to take in whatever information the squad was telling him. It felt like he'd zoned out no matter how hard he tried to concentrate._

 _It wasn't helping that every time Liv touched him recently it set his skin on fire. That kiss- now so many months ago- had opened a Pandora's box of feelings that he'd managed to hide for years. Even from himself. What they had was perfect. They were partners, best friends. Why complicate it? He always managed to fuck things up when it got complicated._

Once they've composed themselves- Rita pours them both a glass of scotch. She holds hers up in a toast, "To Dr. Rudnick- who's paying for this bottle of scotch- while he sits in prison."

Barba clinks glasses but shakes his head as he takes a sip. "I don't see how you do it."

"What are you asking me how I sleep at night? I like to test the law, Barba. So do you- you just happen to have Lieutenant Conscience leading you by the balls."

Barba hesitates, then tries to make light of it, "Trust me, we test the law plenty." He realizes he needs to steer the conversation away from Olivia. "That little reenactment stunt you pulled was clever."

Rita sees through what he's doing but she's not going to push it. She wasn't his therapist- and his relationship with Olivia was none of her business. "Well- what can I say- I borrow from the best."

 **A few weeks later, Olivia** shows up to his office to go over a case with Noah in tow. They were both each other's last meeting of the day- so when Lucy had asked to drop Noah off early- Olivia had agreed.

 _Ever since Barba had read Noah the book at the adoption party- Noah had seemed entranced by Barba. He'd ask for Barba, want Barba to hold him when he was around- which was only once every two weeks or so- but his fascination hadn't worn off. Barba was still uncomfortable with the idea that Noah liked him so much. But seeing he and Liv happy was always a bright spot in his day._

Barba finds himself with the three year old sprawled out on his lap- watching his iPad while Barba makes notes on the case with his other hand. He and Liv have just begun talking about the ME's report when Noah abruptly cranes his neck to look up at Barba, "I haffa go potty."

Barba just looks down at him stunned- not sure how to respond. Olivia chuckles at the exchange but stands and holds her hands out to Noah. "Come on, buddy. I'll take you."

"No, Raf take me."

Barba doesn't want to risk upsetting Noah or an accident in his office so, still in semi-shock, he offers, "I can- but you gotta tell me what to do."

Olivia smiles at his sweet offer but saves him anyway- scooping Noah up. "It's OK- I got it."

Barba's a bit relieved as she walks out with the toddler. He walks over to refresh his coffee while she's away. When he returns to the table- he stands flipping through the evidence photos.

Rita's voice in the doorway breaks him out of his thoughts. He looks up as she crosses the room- pulling one of his silk ties from her bag. She hands it to him, "You left this in your rush to leave this morning."

From behind her- Olivia's voice is suddenly the one in the doorway, "Rita, didn't realize you were taking this case."

Both Rita and Barba freeze. _How much had Olivia just heard? Rita wasn't sure what was going on between these two but she was certain she didn't want to get in the middle of it. Liv seemed good for Barba- she didn't want to derail his chance to actually be happy._

Barba's not even sure why but he slides the tie into the chair in front of him-attempting to hid it as Olivia rounds the table to join the conversation.

Rita is a bit shocked to see Noah with her but she smiles back, "No, just dropping some things off for Barba to look over."

Olivia nods- doing her best to keep her professional while inside she's screaming. _She had heard. Barba was sleeping with Rita. He hadn't broken off that kiss because they work together. He honestly didn't want to be with her. She feels ridiculous- she'd nearly convinced herself that he was worth taking a little risk for._

Rita decides she needs to get out of here. "Well, I'll let you two get back to it."

As Rita leaves, Noah leans towards Barba- Barba extends his hands to take the boy back but Olivia takes a seat with him. "Noah, Raf's been holding you for an hour, I'm sure he's tired, how about you sit with me?"

Even Noah can sense the tension in the room- aside from pouting- he doesn't object. _Barba considers telling her it's fine but he doesn't want to step on toes. Now he's almost certain she heard. But what can he say? Explaining that it's just sex would suggest that he needs to explain himself to her. They weren't a couple. Mentioning it would thrust them into a conversation they'd both been artfully avoiding. She may not have even heard._

He simply takes his seat across from her, trying to break the tension, "Should we order dinner?"

She gives him the most forced look of pleasantness he's ever encountered, "You can, I'm not really hungry. Just wanna get through this."

They pour themselves back into prep- both of their minds going a million miles a minute- neither focused on the case.


	5. Chapter 5

**Barba and Rita managed to keep** their distance for several weeks. But after the police shooting, he finds himself, once again, outside her door. When she opens it- he pushes past her into the kitchen, bottle of scotch in hand.

"She's actually defending those assholes." Barba takes out two glasses and starts pouring. "She looked me right in the eyes and told me any cop would do what they did! Any cop?"

Rita, still at the door, finally makes her way towards him. "Barba, we have to stop this."

Barba's a bit taken aback at the subject change, "I don't have any delusions about what-"

"Yeah, but I'm tired of being a surrogate for Olivia Benson."

Barba stops cold. _If Rita could tell, who else could._ Without a thought- he makes a move to leave but Rita stops him with a hand on his chest. "Stop running away. What are you so scared of?"

Barba fixes her with a cold stare, his tone- low and incredulous, "What scares me about being in love with my best friend?"

Rita's shocked by his blatant admission but presses on. "She clearly feels something for you, too."

Barba retreats further into the kitchen- anything to get some distance. "It's not that easy. We work together, she has a kid-"

"A kid who adores you- judging from the last time I saw him."

"Once a week at dinner is one thing. I can't be a dad, Rita." The admission is sobering, he hesitates. "She deserves someone who can."

 _Rita isn't sure what to say. She knows what he's referring to. Having kids had come up between them when they'd dated. He'd told her he didn't want any- several drinks later he'd admitted why. He feared he'd become his father._

Rita steps closer to him- attempts to draw his eyes to hers, unsuccessfully, "Rafael, you're not your father."

"You don't know that."

"I'll admit- you have a temper. But the fact that you're so afraid of it- that you even worry about it at all- tells me you'd never do to him what your father did." Rita steps close enough to put a hand on his arm. His eyes finally meet hers again. "It's none of my business- frankly, I don't understand how you deal with her all day- but I think you're missing out on your chance to be happy."

"I'm fine. It's fine. Just drop it."

She knows pushing him won't help. She turns back to the abandoned glasses of scotch and picks one up. "I won't fuck you but I will still drink with you."

A small smile plays across Barba's face as he grabs the other glass and clinks glasses.

 _When he leaves a few hours later- his mind is reeling. Maybe Rita is right. He'd finally admitted that what he was feeling was love. Olivia was more than worth taking the chance for. If he takes it slow- maybe they can make this work? He decides to feel things out. Get to know Noah better. Slowly make his way into their lives. If things work out- great. If not, he hasn't embarrassed himself and complicated things with an admission of love right off the bat. First, they'd have to get through tomorrow's Grand Jury._

 **On the other side of town** \- Olivia is reeling from the fact that Barba is calling her in front of the Grand Jury tomorrow.

As she walks down the sidewalk- away from the precinct, she runs into Tucker. He immediately picks up on her weariness, "Long day, Lieutenant?"

She nods. He falls in- walking beside her down the street. "That DA of yours is making trouble."

"He's just doing his job." _She's not sure whether she's telling him or herself._

"Drink?"

"I should get home and relieve the babysitter."

"Come on, O'Malley's is right around the corner. It's an extra 30 minutes- she'll survive."

Olivia considers him for a moment. _They'd gotten drinks together a few times now- while discussing work. He'd asked her for dinner twice outside of work. She'd turned him down both times- now she's wondering why. He was a better guy than she'd give him credit for. He'd evolved a bit over the years- or maybe she had. They knew each other pretty well. And- he was interested and not afraid to show it._

 _Whatever she thought was going on between her and Barba was clearly a figment of her imagination. She decides to take a chance. It can't hurt- there's no additional complications. If it doesn't work- she and Tucker go back to making each other's lives miserable- there's nothing to lose._

Olivia nods and Tucker's eyes brighten, ever so slightly. "One drink."

He smiles as they turn the corner towards O'Malley's.


	6. Chapter 6

_**The Grand Jury for the police**_ _shooting had been a disaster. Barba knew she'd be angry with him but he'd underestimated just how angry. The Hoda trial seemed to smooth things over between them. They'd gotten their rhythm back- they tested each other's patience but it kept them both in check. When the case took a turn for the worse they'd fallen back into their familiar rolls- supporting each other to the bitter end._

 _Both seemed to feel like they were back on solid ground- the awkwardness of the last few months fading away. Olivia was happy to have her best friend back and Barba was finally putting his plan into motion. When Noah was around he made sure to interact with him- he'd even suggested moving a meeting to Liv's on a night when she clearly was wanting to be home with her son. He was starting to think they could actually make this work._

 **Barba's blood runs cold** when he reads the message on Lucy's phone the words 'William' and 'Lewis' nearly jumping off the screen. He and Fin instantly spring into action. Barba immediately tries her cell while Fin grabs Carisi to go check the brownstone.

When Olivia doesn't pick up on his third call Barba turns to Lucy, "Go pick up Noah now- bring him here."

Without knowing who these people are- he can't be sure they won't use Noah to their advantage if they find out about him.

 **After a few hours on the scene** , Barba realizes his presence isn't doing any good. He returns to the precinct, thinking he'll get some other case work done but he can't focus. Instead- he ends up on the floor of Olivia's office with Noah and Lucy playing with his trucks.

Around 5pm- Lucy agrees to go pick up some dinner since Noah has fallen asleep in Barba's lap on the couch. Barba peels the iPad they'd been watching from the toddler's hands and cradles him comfortably in the crook of his elbow. He looks down at the boy and lets out a shuddered sigh- trying his best not to think about what happens to him if something happens to Liv. He realizes just how much he's come to care for Noah- not just as Liv's son but as his own little person. He pulls out his phone to check for updates.

This is how Liv finds them- Barba scrolling through emails as he snuggles her son close to his chest.

She'd refused a trip to the hospital after the EMTs checked her out- insisting that she see Noah. She nearly bursts through the door of her own office- a bit stunned at the scene in front of her but overwhelmingly relieved at the sight of the two of them.

Barba stands abruptly- still cradling Noah. For a moment- neither of them seems able to move. Finally, Barba makes his way over to her- his heart pounding as he takes in the cuts and bruises on her face.

She sees the pain in his eyes and does her best to reassure him. "I'm OK, I'm OK." She breathes out.

Barba can only nod. The moment he reaches her- he passes off Noah- knowing instinctively that she needs to hold him right now. Olivia takes him- holding him as close as possible- pressing kisses to his tiny face. Eventually, her eyes come back to Barba's, "Thank you."

It's all Barba can do not to wrap her up in a hug. To feel her close. But it wouldn't be appropriate in her office- even if they were together. And they're not. "Lucy, should be back with dinner soon. Then I could take you home."

Olivia shakes her head. "I have to give my statement."

Barba's eyes are finally drawn away from her- out to the bullpen where he sees Tucker- waiting. "Not without your rep."

"It's OK. I didn't do anything."

"Yeah, you don't have to with him."

 _Olivia realizes in this moment that she's going to have to tell Barba about her relationship with Tucker but now's not the time. It's not serious enough yet to warrant telling him anyway._

She leans in to hand Noah back to him, "It'll be fine. Can you just watch him for a few more minutes?"

Barba nods- taking the toddler from her. He watches as she walks out- following Tucker into the conference room. Barba can't help himself as he turns the switch to listen in. He's a little surprised when Tucker does little more than take her statement. No accusations- no second guessing- just procedure.

By the time Tucker leaves, Lucy has returned. Barba offers once more to drive them home but Olivia shakes her head again, "It's OK, I've got the squad car- I should drop Lucy off anyway."

Barba doesn't push it. _She probably wants to be alone._ He walks them down to the car- buckling Noah into his car seat while Lucy climbs into the front. Noah starts to wake up when Barba clicks the first buckle closed- he reaches sleepily for Barba- unsure of where he is, "Raf?"

Barba leans in and plants a kiss on the boy's forehead before he realizes what he's doing, "Todos bien, compay. Take care of Mamí, OK?"

Noah replies with a sleepy nod- drifting back to sleep.

Barba closes the door and turns to Olivia- who's smiling softly at the exchange. _She'd agreed to meet Tucker back at her place tonight because she needs to be held but she can't help the love she feels for the man standing in front of her. She wants to pull him close but she doesn't dare. It'll only make things harder._

"Thanks, Barba."

He nods- a sad smile coming to his face. "Safe home."

She nods and walks around to the driver's side- quickly throwing the car into gear and driving off.


	7. Chapter 7

**Barba pulls his phone from** his pocket to hail an Uber back to his office as he and Rita walk out of Abbey Stewart's house. He lets out a heavy sigh. "You OK?" she asks, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, just not looking forward to this next meeting." He looks to her, "There's a chance Buchanan will call my bluff. We don't really have a case if he does."

Rita becomes indignant, "Barba, what he did to Abbey was assault."

Exasperated, Barba takes a breath. "You turning into Liv on me?"

Rita's only reply is a look of agitation. Then she sees it- how tired he looks- how rundown. She softens. "How is she?"

Barba looks away from her and shrugs. "She's seeing Lindstrom. But we haven't talked about it really." _They hadn't had time. The few times they'd had a chance to grab dinner, she'd rush home instead. They usually talked about everything. It was starting to worry him._

Rita could sense his hesitation. "I'm sure once things calm down-"

The corners of Barba's mouth turn up in an attempt to smile but it comes off more as a grimace. His Uber pulls up moments later. "I'll let you know what Buchanan says."

Rita nods and turns to head across town.

 **Barba retreats back to his office** the moment the verdict is in. This is where Olivia finds him- downing four Aspirin. He glances up at her as he chases the pills with coffee. "I'm not even sure what just happened."

"She didn't want what was done to her, Barba."

"Yeah but I'm not sure he knew that. This whole case just took on a life of it's own. I mean you're right- the rules do need to be clearer. What he did was wrong. But-" Barba stops to rub and hand over his eyes. He lets out a long sigh, "I wish they'd taken that plea."

Olivia nods, understanding. His eyes meet hers. _He doesn't really want to talk about this right now. It's only 5 pm- he wants to take his mind of work._

"Dinner?" When she looks as if she may once again reject his offer, Barba follows up with. "We could run by Nino's- take it back to your place? Noah likes pizza, right?"

Olivia smiles broadly at him. She should say no- but she doesn't want to. Tucker had messaged her earlier- asking to grab dinner- but right now dinner at home with Barba and Noah sounds perfect.

She nods. "Sounds good."

She turns and shoots out a message to Tucker as Barba gathers his stuff. 'Not tonight. Maybe this weekend? Long day.'

 **Barba follows Olivia into** her apartment, pizza in hand. Olivia is immediately greeted by an excited hug from Noah who then spots Barba- and the pizza. His excitement doubles. "Raf!" he yells- latching on to one of Barba's legs. Olivia chuckles and takes the pizza from him, so that he can lean down and scoop the boy up.

"Hola, amigo. Que paso?" Barba settles Noah on his hip and steps further into the apartment.

Lucy looks a bit shocked to see him there but smiles over at him, "Hi, Mr. Barba." Barba nods to her- partially distracted by Noah's sudden death grip on one of his suspenders. Lucy turns her attention back to Liv. "Well, I should head out. See you tomorrow?"

Olivia nods. "You're welcome to stay for pizza?" Lucy glances quickly between Barba and Olivia- clearly confused as to what's going on here. _She thought Liv was seeing Tucker- but Barba doesn't seem to be here for professional reasons._

Lucy shakes her head- quickly making her retreat.

Liv pulls Noah's highchair over to the breakfast bar so that she and Barba can sit with Noah between them. Barba brings him over to situate him in the highchair but finds the task more perplexing than imagined. After Liv distributes pizza and wine she comes to his rescue- pulling back the tray so that Noah can sit.

Noah- excited that Barba is there- chatters away as they all start to enjoy their dinner. Barba- can't take his eyes off the boy. Unaccustomed to having a toddler around during dinner- he can't help but be entertained but Noah's expressions.

Olivia smiles- watching Barba watch Noah. _For the briefest moment she lets her mind wander to what it would be like if this were the norm. She quickly puts it out of her head- reminding herself that it wasn't possible. Besides- she'd committed herself to giving Tucker a fair shot._ _Of course, here she was having dinner with Barba- but he was her friend. Why shouldn't she?_

Barba's voice breaks her out of her trance, "You OK?"

She nods- smiling at him and taking another bite of her pizza. _He wants to ask her again. Ask her if she's really OK. About what happened in that townhouse. How can he help? But now- eating dinner with her son isn't the time. She'll tell him eventually- she always does._

"How's Rita?" Her question nearly makes him choke but he recovers.

"You'd know better than me. She your buddy now?"

Olivia is genuinely confused, "Sorry, I thought you two were-"

 _Barba could not be more uncomfortable if the barstool he was sitting in turned into a porcupine but he presses on. He'd assumed she hadn't heard he and Rita's exchange so many weeks ago in his office- since nothing had been said since. But if she'd been thinking this whole time that he and Rita were together- he needed to set the record straight._

He's not sure how to phrase this, "We broke it off."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No, it's good. It wasn't really anything. It was-" _It was what? Just sex? Does he admit that he just needed a fuckbuddy after the events in the courtroom- after leaving her apartment that night?_

"It's OK, Barba. You don't have to explain yourself." _But she secretly wants him to. It was- what? Did he feel something for Rita? Was it just sex? What was it? But she knows that she has no right to need all those details. It crosses her mind once more that she's going to need to tell him about Tucker- at the very least as a professional courtesy but also because he's her friend. But not tonight- with Noah here- when they finally have a quiet night to themselves._

Barba racks his brain for what to say next. _It's not OK. He wants her to know. He wants this. He made a mistake 7 months ago in this very kitchen and it's killing him._

Noah- having finished his pizza- interrupts their incredibly awkward exchange. "I can have 'zert?"

Olivia tears her eyes away from Barba to smile at her son. "Sorry buddy, no dessert tonight." She grabs a rag from the sink and wipes his hands and face before taking him out of the highchair and placing him on the ground. "But you can play for a few more minutes before PJs and your book."

Noah looks over to Barba. "Raf, you read me?"

Barba is a little shocked- but before Olivia can interject he finds himself nodding. "If you want."

Noah smiles broadly and dashes off to play with his toys.

Olivia- shocked by Barba's concession- takes her place beside him once more. _As well as they knew each other- he could still surprise her._ "You don't have to do that, Barba."

"No, I want to."

Olivia looks over at her son playing, "I have to tell you- he never gets as excited about anyone as he does about you. What's your secret?"

"Maybe he can smell my fear" he quips. They both chuckle. _He's only half joking. Truth is he's still terrified. But he has come to really like Noah. And he needs to show Olivia he's in it for the long haul._


	8. Chapter 8

**Barba stands rooted to** the floor in the center of his office- staring at the door she's just retreated through. _Shocked, angry, hurt- most of all embarrassed that he has no control over his emotions when it comes to her. He'd been such an idiot. He'd actually convinced himself that they could be more than friends. He should have known. He knew her type- Stabler, Cassidy, now Tucker- Barba definitely didn't fit the mold._

 _How long had it been going on? How long had he been making a complete ass of himself? Goddamnit, why hadn't she told him before now! Before he'd grown attached to her son- before he'd started to really believe they could make this work._

 _On a professional level it suddenly occurs to him that she can't stay on the case. Making a case would be impossible with such a huge conflict of interest._

He crosses his office to call Dodds. "Afternoon Chief" He's not sure how to put this. Even now he doesn't want her in trouble. "We have a bit of a situation. Allegations have been made against Ed Tucker in the sex trafficking case. When I informed Lieutenant Benson that he'd become a suspect she immediately disclosed to me that she's involved with Captain Tucker" he lies.

The Chief jumps on it immediately, "How long's this been going on?"

"I don't know. Chief, I don't suspect she's aware of any wrong doing but-"

"How can you be sure?"

Barba takes a breath- reigning himself in. Redirecting his anger at Dodds right now would not be a good idea, "She was just as shocked as I was at the allegations, Chief. But clearly she can't stay on the case."

"I'll talk to her. I trust you won't let your friendship with her prevent you from following any leads?"

 _What friendship?_ "I think I can handle it"- he can't help a little of his anger seeping into his voice.

"Thank you for the call, Counselor. I'll let Sargent Dodds know he'll need to take lead on this case."

As soon as he hangs up the phone- Barba lets out a huff. Just what he needs- the man 1PP planted in the squad to keep he and Liv from going rogue to take over.

He knows he needs to get back to work but he can't seem to focus. He's experienced pain like this so infrequently that it's nearly crippling it's so overwhelming. He stands and goes over to the coffee maker for his 7th cup of the day. He's been trying to cut back to quell the panic attacks but he thinks it may be the only thing to erase the fog.

 **For her part- Olivia manages** to get back to her car before she lets the tears in her eyes fall. _She hadn't pursued anything with Barba because she'd been so terrified to lose her best friend and now she'd definitely lost him. The look in his eyes- the hurt- she couldn't have imagined that. But what had he expected? He'd rejected her. Told her this couldn't work. She'd moved on._

 _She thinks back to all the times she should have told him. She'd had the perfect opportunity just weeks ago._

 **They were alone in the car** driving back to the city. After interviewing Freed- she and Barba decided they'd go back, Barba needed to be in Court the next day, Olivia needed a few hours sleep. Amanda went back to join the manhunt for Yates and Rudnick.

She takes her eyes off the road for a moment to find him staring out the window deep in thought. Her right hand slides off the wheel to rest lightly on his arm, "Hey, you OK?"

He takes a deep breath- coming back to her. "Yeah, just tired."

"You seemed a little jumpy earlier."

"Too much coffee." He tries to dismiss her with an unconvincing smile. _The woman has survived being held hostage, tortured and multiple shootings. He's not about to tell her that a single courtroom shooting has put him on edge._ "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Freed."

 _She was angry that he hadn't told her but she realizes holding it over his head won't do any good._ "It's OK."

"I wanted to lock her up for life for what she did." He lets out a defeated huff. "And she's done it again."

She gives his arm a quick squeeze before returning her hand to the steering wheel. "It's not on you."

After a moment of silence- she glances back to him. "You should talk to someone."

Barba looks back to her, perplexed.

"About the shooting." Barba sucks in a deep breathe, averting his eyes. He shifts away from her in his seat. "It'll get worse- if you don't. It doesn't have to be me but I could recommend someone-"

"Liv, please, let's-" He holds up a hand defensively, his face tightening. He'll do anything to stop this conversation.

Against her better judgment, she stops prying. He'd been there for her through so many hard times. She wants to return the favor. But she doesn't want him shutting her out.

He considers her a moment before asking a question he's been wanting to ask for weeks now. "How're you holding up? After the townhouse?" _He realizes how hypocritical he's being- refusing to talk and then asking her to open up. But he can't help himself._

"Alright. It's changed things. It always does." She looks over to him- he listens intently.

 _She should tell him about the biggest change. Tucker. Things were still far from serious- but they'd definitely gotten more so after the Townhouse._ _It was hard for things to get serious when they barely had time to see each other once a week but crisis had a way of bringing people together. She'd decided to give it a fair chance._

 _She's not ready to tell him yet though. She's exhausted and they're both on edge. It's just not the time._

"I can hardly let Noah out of my sight- but it's getting better."

 _He knows there's something more but doesn't push her. With Olivia it was a compliment that she opened up to him at all._

"If you ever need anything" he assures her.

She nods- smiling at him.

 _A sudden rush of courage comes over Barba._ "Liv, I, uh-" _But it doesn't last long enough for him to finish the sentence._

She looks to him- expectantly.

 _I, uh what? How the hell was he planning to end that sentence- he's not even sure._ "Sorry, not sure where I was going with that."

 **Olivia wonders now** how that sentence was supposed to end. _If he'd finished it- would they be in this situation now? If she'd just told him about Tucker then- he might have been hurt but would it have ended their friendship as she was sure it had just done?_

Her phone ringing pulls her out of her thoughts. It's Tucker. He tells her he's just been suspended- asks her if she knew. She agrees to meet him and hangs up.

As she drives away all of her pain morphs into anger at Barba. She knows he has to take every allegation seriously but he has to see that this is a ploy to divert attention away from the church. The closer she gets to meeting Tucker- the angrier she gets at the self-righteous counselor she's just left behind.


	9. Chapter 9

**Friday afternoon finds** Olivia snuggled into Tucker's side on the couch- Noah napping in the back bedroom. They're watching Fast and the Furious 713- for all Olivia knows. She doesn't care- just happy that the sex-trafficking debacle is finally over. They get to keep their jobs.

Liv was really more into the old school action movies if she was honest- Die Hard, Bond. _Though she'd been watching more television lately, she and Barba's mutual crush on Idris Elba had them hooked on Luther._

 _God, Barba. He was all she could think about since finding out she'd be back at SVU on Monday. How could she face him? Knowing she'd hurt him? She'd been so angry at first. But now- with some distance- she realizes he was just doing his job. He'd bent the rules for her so many times before. If she could forgive the man sitting beside her for the many times he'd 'just done his job' certainly she could forgive Barba for the one time he did._

 _But would he forgive her? For not telling him? For hurting him? For giving him one more reason not to always trust her?_

 _Trust was one thing the two of them seemed to have in infinite supply for each other. Which was strange. Trust was something Olivia had always struggled with. But she believed it was the basis of any working relationship. So she'd force herself to 'trust' people when she wanted it to work. It wasn't intentional. She didn't realize it was forced._

 _When Cassidy had been accused she'd thrown herself blindly into his defense. As if her life depended on showing she trusted him. She'd done the same with Tucker. And once again- the crisis had made their relationship seem a little more serious._

 _But her trust in Barba had been almost immediate- it had been so natural. He'd never given her a reason not to trust him. Which is maybe why it hurt so much when he'd told 1PP. Even Elliot had been unreliable in the end- though she couldn't blame him for leaving. But Barba- he was always there when she needed him._

 _She trusted him at times when no one else did. And even in the times she'd hidden things from him- He'd trusted her. He'd understood her reasons and stood by her. These two people who were incapable of trusting anyone because of their upbringing- had found that they could trust each other._

 _But how would he ever trust her again? She had no doubt that he would be professional- but she also had no doubt that his walls would be back up. She missed her best friend these past couple of weeks- and she feared she'd have to keep on missing him._

 _She wonders again what would have happened if he'd finished his thought in the car so many weeks ago. She realizes that any indication that he felt for her what she felt for him would have instantly ended the relationship with the man sitting beside her now._

 _It worries her. How can she continue to build a relationship with this man when she's in love with another man? In love?_

Tucker's voice breaks her out of her thoughts, "You know- I have to admit- I've kind of enjoyed you having a normal person schedule. This is kind of nice."

He looks down at her and pulls her closer. She returns a convincing smile. The moment is broken by her cell phone ringing- she sits up to answer it but he tries to pull her back to him, "They can't have you until Monday."

Olivia gives him 'the look' as she brings the phone to her ear, "Benson."

"Liv- I-"

Olivia can hear the hesitation in the other woman's voice, "Rita?"

"I thought you'd want to know, Barba's on his way to Mercy."

Olivia feels her heart drop into her stomach. She stands to distance herself from Tucker. "What?! What happened?"

"We don't know. I came to drop off a file and found him collapsed on the floor. I know you two aren't-"

"I'll- I'll be right there." She hangs up and turns to Tucker. "I'm sorry. They're taking Barba to the hospital- I've gotta go."

"Barba, the guy who almost lost us our jobs Barba?"

"Ed-" She holds up a hand but is too distraught to issue a retort.

He sees the pain in her face and stands to comfort her, "I'm sorry. Is he going to be OK?"

"They don't know- they don't know what happened. I'll call Lucy. I'm sorry about-"

"No need to call Lucy. I'll stay."

Liv looks at him- unsure- but she wants to get to the hospital as soon as possible. "You're sure?" He nods. "OK, Thank you." She pulls on her shoes and jacket- gives him a quick kiss and is out the door.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey fanfic readers-

Wanted to apologize for the delay in updates. My computer was recently destroyed on set- taking with it updates to my current stories as well as a couple one offs.

Just wanted to let you all know that I do plan on updating but since it'll be some time before I can afford a new computer- it'll be longer between updates. So please bare with me :)

Thanks!

Olive


	11. Chapter 11

**Olivia races into the waiting room** and finds Rita-distraught, sitting in a corner alone. She stands as Oliva approaches- Rita does her best to look calm. She's never seen Olivia like this- the Lieutenant has schooled her features but behind her eyes is a seeming flurry of panic.

"Where is he? What happened?"

Rita extends a hand out- trying to keep Olivia calm. "The doctors are with him- they're running tests. Olivia, they think it was a heart attack."

The blood drains from Olivia's face- her calm facade gone in an instant. "Are they sure? He's been having these panic attacks. Did you tell them? I've heard people can lose conciousness if-"

Rita gently urges Olivia to sit down- then takes a seat beside her. "I told them- they know. I didn't realize he'd told you."

Olivia shakes her head "He thinks he's been hiding them but they're pretty bad. I need to call his mother." Liv pulls out her phone and starts to stand but she's stopped by Rita's hand on her arm.

"Already called her. She's catching the first plane back but it'll be a couple days- there's only one flight off the island each day and she's pretty far down the list."

Olivia keeps her seat and stares off for a moment. "The last time I talked to him-"

"You were yelling at him?" Rita smirks. "Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure that can be said for the majority of people he comes in contact with. He'll forgive you. He loves you."

Olivia is momentarily caught off guard but her slight shock quickly turns to annoyance. "I'm so tired of people making assumptions about him-"

"I assume nothing. He told me that he loves you."

Olivia stares her down- attempting to determine the truthfulness of Rita's statement. _She's overwhelmed at the possibility that he used that word. She knew he felt something for her- but love? And to tell someone that he felt it? Confirmation that he felt for her what she felt for him makes her realize how foolish they've been. She'd been running away from the strongest relationship she's ever had for months now because she's afraid to lose the man she's running away from. The whole thing was ridiculous._

Rita breaks into her train of thought, "You must have some idea. If not, you're a terrible detective. I've known the man 20 years and I've only ever seen him smile if you're in the room."

Olivia doesn't have time to process any further before the doctor is stepping out asking for the "Family of Rafael Barba."

Olivia and Rita both stand to meet him as he launches right in. "It seems Mr. Barba did suffer a heart attack. He did regain conciousness briefly which is a good sign but we did go ahead and sedate him while we ran tests. We'd like to keep him overnight- in some cases patients experience a 2nd heart attack not long after the first. We'll be doing some follow up tests to determine if he needs surgery but for now we think the condition can be managed with medication."

Olivia is in shock. The idea that he's in danger of a second heart attack haunting her thoughts. "Do you know what caused it, Doctor?" She hears Rita ask.

"We think it's likely a blood clot. There's obvious narrowing of the arteries that can be caused by a number of factors from poor diet to high blood pressure. You're free to go back and see him- but he probably won't be awake for some time."

Olivia is seemingly on autopilot as the doctor leads them back to Barba's room. Rita stops at the door- gesturing for Olivia to go first. The moment she steps through the door and sees him lying on the hospital bed- reality sets in. Tears well up in her eyes and slide silently down her cheeks. She goes to his side- sliding her hand into his. He's so cold. So unlike the other times she's touched him. She leans over to whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

 **Liv reenters her apartment** around 6pm emotionally drained. She finds Tucker feeding Noah dinner and her stomach drops. She has to break this off- but she can't right now. "Hey."

Tucker takes her in, concerned. "How is he?"

"He's still sleeping." She's still standing in the doorway- she finally wills her feet to move. "I'm gonna get a change of clothes and go back. I don't want him waking up with no one there. I'll call Lucy to come sit with Noah."

As she tries to slide past him, Tucker reaches out to grab her elbow. "Is there no one else who can stay with Barba?" she only stares back at him. He sighs. "No need to call Lucy- I'll stay with Noah."

"No, it's OK, Ed. I really think it's better if I call Lucy." The look in her eyes gives her away. Realization suddenly dawns on Tucker.

"Seriously?"

The hurt in his voice makes it impossible to hold eye contact. "I'm sorry. I thought being with you would make this feeling go away but today I realized- I don't want it to."

"He's married to that office, Liv. He'll always put you second."

She brings her eyes back to his, "He hasn't yet."

With that Tucker releases her arm, turning back to Noah's dinner, resigned. She places a hand on his shoulder. "I'll call Lucy." His only response is a slow nod before she retreats back to the bedroom.


	12. Chapter 12

***Sorry for the delay- this one took me some time to crack since I've been busy. More soon, I hope***

 **Barba finally wakes up around 6 am, disoriented.** He can feel a warm hand in his, it's comforting, he feels so cold. Slowly, he opens his eyes to find Liv sleeping in a chair beside him. Confused, he gives her hand a quick squeeze. She jolts awake but it takes her only an instant to realize he's regained conciousness.

Relief washes over her. "Barba" she breathes out. "Hey" she gives him a comforting smile but she can't hide the emotion in her eyes, even in the predawn darkness.

Barba closes his eyes and swallows hard, trying to find his voice. "What's going on?" _He'd been getting death threats and he hadn't told her. He wonders briefly if he's been shot- but he expects he'd be in more pain._

"You had a heart attack, in your office. Do you remember?"

The memory of just before he passed out comes flooding back. He gives her a small nod- almost embarrassed.

"How do you feel?"

Even in his compromised state he's able to manage an eye roll. She can't help the smirk that comes to her lips.

"Your mom is on her way back but she won't get in until tomorrow, earliest. Doctors want to run one more test with you awake and then they said you could come home with me."

He lets go of her hand, sits up, "I don't need a babysitter, Liv."

"According to them you do, just for the first week or so. I'll stay at your place if you'd rather-"

"And Noah?"

"We'll figure it out."

Barba lets out a huff, "Tucker's gonna love this."

"You don't need to worry about Tucker." _Something in the way she says it draws Barba in, had something happened?_ She hesitates. _She thinks she knows where they both stand, but here, in the face of it, her nerves are getting the best of her. She decides to go for it._ "Barba, I'm so sorry. I-"

"Ah, he's awake!" The doctors voice booms from the doorway- leaving their conversation in limbo. _It's all Barba can do not to throw the doctor out but he decides it's not in his best interest._ Barba schools his annoyed look as the doctor makes his way in and starts to explain what's happened. Liv simply gives him a tight smile and slides her hand back into his.

The doctor explains that he'd like to run one more test before he releases him into Olivia's care. After he'll refer him to a cardiologist for follow ups to make sure that his condition can be managed without surgery.

By the time the doctor walks out, Olivia is relieved- after all, Barba had managed to skirt by the potential 2nd heart attack that the doctor warned was looming over their heads. Barba, on the other hand, feels like an idiot. _How had he managed a heart attack at such a young age? He should have known better based on how his dad went. Even worse, Olivia- a woman he loves who sees him as no more than a friend- is the only person on the planet who cares enough to be here._

As the doctor walks out, Liv turns her attention back to Barba. She tries to make light of the situation, "Guess I'll need to tell Carmen to put a lock on the coffee pot." Barba's only reply is a tight, dejected smirk. Olivia softens, "Hey, we'll figure this out, OK?"

He gives her an unconvincing smile and nod. _His moment of hope before the doctor interrupted them has melted into the reality that she's only here as a friend._

Liv attempts to get him to focus on anything else. "Noah will be happy to see you. I swear he's asked about you everyday-" Liv keeps on talking- anything to keep him from wallowing in his current predicament- she decides that the conversation about where they stand should wait until he's home and settled. Barba tries to listen but mostly zones out.

 **When a nurse finally comes** to take Barba for testing- they've settled into an uncomfortable silence- watching something on TV. Her hand is still in his.

The nurse helps Barba into a wheelchair, "hospital policy" she insists. She starts to wheel him toward the door when Olivia can't take it anymore. Mutual feelings or not- she can't go another minute without him knowing. Not after what's just happened.

"One sec!" She cries out. She walks over and leans in. Her hand rests on his shoulder, he can feel her breath tickle his ear as she whispers, "I'm sorry it took so long for me to figure out but- I love you."

It's as if all of the tension he's holding suddenly leaves his body. He closes his eyes- letting out a small chuckle. He feels her start to pull away and catches her elbow- drawing her eyes to his. Their faces just inches apart, he confesses, "I love you, too."

They both smile genuine smiles- the first in a long time. She presses a gentle kiss to his lips before looking him in the eye. "I'll see you in few and we'll go home."

He smiles and nods. Olivia stands back so the nurse can wheel him away.


End file.
